Healing Grief - A Process That is Different For Each Of Us

 

                                               - Picture by Judy Hirst along Highway 40 

 Generally, we associate grief with the death of a loved person or pet.  For some reason, and it is different for each of us, we feel angry that the person/pet had to die at this time.  At some point, many of us are angry at God for allowing the disease or illness or even age to take the object of our grief.  And with our grief, we internalize it, until, one day, it simply needs to come out.  The release happens by way of tears.

I was at a funeral recently where this poem was in the program, and I found that these words helped me heal some grief that I felt.  For some reason, thinking that the person would become an active part of nature gave me solace. Our Ancestors have known this for centuries.

NATIVE AMERICAN PRAYER

I give you this one thought to keep --I am with you still – I do not sleep.

I am a thousand winds that blow,I am the diamond glints on snow,

I am the sunlight on ripened grain, I am the gentle autumn rain.

When you awaken in the morning’s hush, I am the swift, uplifting rush of quiet birds in circled flight.

I am the soft stars that shine at night. Do not think of me as gone – I am with you still – in each new dawn.
——Author Unknown

Sometimes, we just need to sit in a quiet place and let the grief come out of us.  What if, however, the grief is for a different reason than loss of life?  What if it is a personal grief over the loss of a job, or lover or whatever?  Grief is a mental or mind activity.  In the book, “The Buddha and The Way To Happiness” by Tien Cong Tran, Ph.D., one finds the Buddhist definition for grief on Page 44.  It reads, “GRIEF: “And what, bhikkhus, is grief? Whatever mental painful feeling, mental unpleasant feeling, painful or unpleasant sensation results from mental contact, – that is called grief.””

The meaning of this passage, seems to me to say that grief is what we make it.  The opposite than is that we can unmake grief. While that may be true, it is very much an individual action.  Just as each of us will heal a cut on our body in different ways and times, each of us will heal our grief differently.

I know that I am still grieving – it just does not hurt quite so much. 

Blessings,

Judy

Feeling Grief

 

"Puff ball in a field" picture by Judith Hirst-Joyeux June 2008

When practicing any healing, the emotion "grief" seems to show up with regular frequency. I think this definition from Wikipedia says it all - "Grief is a multi-faceted response to loss". The loss may be for any thing or person or animal. It may even be a perceived loss, and not a loss that we would normally associate with grief. Since grief is a personal or unique response, it is hard to gage how deeply it does affect the individual. Grief carried too long without release takes the form of physical dis-eases or illnesses. Grief will manifest in lung problems. Louise Hay in her book You Can Heal Your Life talks about grief/lung problems as "fear of taking in life". 

Since grief is an emotion, and in Shamanism, emotion is associated with water, the body filling up with water - lungs filling up, water around the heart - indicate that grief may be at the root of these illnesses. It seems too that grief may be inherited. When an event happens and the grief is not dealt with at the time, the grief seems to be captured and passed on at a cellular level.

Grief is very prevalent in the world and a large topic of conversation. I say "large" because the number of web sites containing the word "grief" total 28,600,000 web sites, when I did a search. It is the topic of books, prayers, poems, stories, songs, and has become a whole counselling discipline. One solution to heal grief is when the individual recognizes that it is grief they are feeling and they decide to deal with it and ease it. 

The Buddhists call this part of the practice of "Mindfulness". When one is aware of the feeling/energy and stays with it, and judges it not and lets it be, it has a chance to take shape, and then the energy can be released. The saying "time heals all things" really means that we, by our choices and actions heal ourselves.

I have been mindful of the sadness that I carry over the loss of my nephew very recently.  I throw the emotion to fire, in a traditional Incan Fire Ceremony, and I cry when I feel the urge to do so.  I do not stop the crying until it stops itself.  I feel it to completion.

I wish for you to have the time to feel your emotions to completion.

Blessings,

Judy

A Story About A Ghost

 This story comes from Zen Buddhist teachings.  There are several different lessons in this story. Which lessons are apparent to you?  Post your thoughts in the comments section below the blog.

                                     Picture from J Hirst -taken of Elbow Falls in August 2021

 Banishing a Ghost

 The wife of a man became very sick. On her deathbed, she said to him, "I love you so much! I don't want to leave you, and I don't want you to betray me. Promise that you will not see any other women once I die, or I will come back to haunt you."

For several months after her death, the husband did avoid other women, but then he met someone and fell in love. On the night that they were engaged to be married, the ghost of his former wife appeared to him. She blamed him for not keeping the promise, and every night thereafter she returned to taunt him. The ghost would remind him of everything that transpired between him and his fiancée that day, even to the point of repeating, word for word, their conversations. It upset him so badly that he couldn't sleep at all.

Desperate, he sought the advice of a Zen master who lived near the village. "This is a very clever ghost," the master said upon hearing the man's story. "It is!" replied the man. "She remembers every detail of what I say and do. It knows everything!" The master smiled, "You should admire such a ghost, but I will tell you what to do the next time you see it."

That night the ghost returned. The man responded just as the master had advised. "You are such a wise ghost," the man said, "You know that I can hide nothing from you. If you can answer me one question, I will break off the engagement and remain single for the rest of my life." "Ask your question," the ghost replied. The man scooped up a handful of beans from a large bag on the floor, "Tell me exactly how many beans there are in my hand."

At that moment the ghost disappeared and never returned.